there it goes again

… and how am I supposed to tell her about my future plans?

Every time she's like that, i'll feel hurt too. Sigh, we all know they mean the best for us and stuff like that, but it never does works. While I don't have the naggy feeling of guilt, I still have some concern for her mental well-being.

I guess nothing can be done until this torturous 10 years have passed.

几有趣！

係，得卻是好難寫地。。。再加上用繁體字，真係難上加難！不過都幾 好玩的。單單係要寫底前過句，就已經站着大半個鐘！重有，有的字我都不知點寫，知道點話都冇麼用！

一定知道吧，我正係用廣東話打中文字！係好冇聊呱。唉，真希望我可以再去次香港！

That was really hard! Like seriously….. where are those words in mandarin pinyin!!! HEHE

Surges

Suddenly thought of all the things i failed in and this surge of feelings just came rushing by… now I can't sleep.

I know I must do well now… that everything is permanent, who won't want it to look good? Nothing can give me my PW grades back…

Sometimes, maybe crying is a good form of release after all…

Suddenly remembering the day everyone was so happy thanking god and teacher…. and I was there psycho-ing myself that it's alright… but such things… when missed by just that little decimal really create a deep crater in you heart. Every time I think of that, I'll just feel sad.

AND i don't want to feel this way… not something that makes me regret forever. So I must do well. Work really really really hard. Go. I believe I can.

Sigh… tmr's last day of exams…. bio paper… i should be sleeping well. but now I really feel like crying… maybe it'll help? Maybe then I'll be in a better mood tmr.

Woah

People actually read my blog? wow…

Anyway, to that dash-ey - - - person, friend or not, thanks for your comments, and yea I agree with you that until I can let go of my bitterness can I forgive and hopefully forget.

Thing is, I know clearly when I am likely to forgive. I can feel it. In fact I don't like this unforgiving side of me. But it's definitely not now. Not when I am still within the control of these things.

And that is precisely why I am ranting all on the blog. So that I don't feel that much pain in real life. So that I can release without hurting anyone. And no matter what, life has to move on. And there certainly are things that only one can solve by oneself. Just as i ever once heard someone say, if there is no other way to go around things, you'll have to do it yourself. Self help.

I guess its just me… there are people that I can be real to, but I can never put down the inner barrier in me. I just can't show people the worst side of me. I always…most often, rather, look happy and carefree to everyone. True, some friends know that I have been dealt with blows after blows, but they know I always take things by myself.

Which becomes what I am feeling now… come to think of it. BUT no, it's just not me to do that. They know I am hurt, but they just don't know what and how deep

SHOUT

I don't know… I really really really really want to tell someone everything! All my worries and all my disappointment and everything that is making me feel like breaking down…

But there is no one I can talk to about these… there are just things that cannot be said and it'd reflect real bad on me. There are just things that when said would spoil the whole image of what anyone has of me.

But I am in much pain. I really need some release, some way where I can tell someone who responds but does not then gain negative views about me… I think I require too much of a person. Thing is, I don't want people to see me as that.. that's why I am withholding everything. Keeping everything to myself

Then again, as I have always said, my problems are mine, and no one can help no matter what… so there is not much use telling anyone.

But all humans need some form of release… Let one come to me now!

hmmm

I know I shouldn't feel anything like sad that I am excluded or anything along this line since like in the FIRST place, I HATE that person…

Well that's because she hates me first… SO there is no reason why I want to be included in her list of official juniors even if officially, I AM her junior……

I guess it's just me isn't it? Hoping that she will acknowledge me the wild one as her junior so that I can resolve the hate? Then again why would she want to do that? Stupidness… She hates me too much to want to reconcile. In fact she's probably happier hating me for life or something… -.-

HOW i wish I can just name names here… but it'd be cyber bullying (for no one to see and she won't see in any circumstance at all) AND it'd not reflect nicely on me. Yea…

ANYWAY, today's talk was alright.. wished it was longer and more in depth though.. dang those restless juniors

Yet again

And then I find myself tearing away in front of the computer......
I really hate it. I hate it that it's all over and there is nothing I can do about it.

Hate it that there is nothing I can do to alleviate my soreness
Hate it that it is because of this that I feel my heartache all the time
Hate it that this thing ruined my life.

Then? Move on? I am. I did. But it isn't enough. Have I not complained to my friends? Have I not tried to suppress my feelings and try to let things go by since nothing can be altered? This really isn't something I can ever get over with...
Not with seeing all of the others getting what they want. It is of course reasonable for them to feel happy and celebrate.. and I know i am asking too much as a friend to ask them to not show it in front of me because they WONT be able to sympathise and I will always feel hurt and do my silent cries.

YES being in the comm is very important to me. YES I really want to be in. BUT SO? No matter how much of confessing now won't help. Even if I did say it then, it won't either. Because there is no such thing as democracy. In this world where everyone get things through being in good books and connections, that's just it. I was just unlucky to be that one person then. They hated me for that. What can I do? It isn't my fault that I because the one special person. But maybe if I had the foresight, things would be different.

I have learnt a lesson. If people want politically right answers and hypocrisy, I will give them what they want.

It's back.

I don't know how long it'll take for that feeling of disappointment and betrayal wool leave me for good. get a grp... The next comm is already out and I am still dwelling in the past. But then again, there are always things that will never be forgotten. Or forgiven at that. Maybe next year when I leave this place full of sad memories? But I guehss it is still a matter of whether I get what I want next year or not. Because if it really is because of this that I fail, I will never ever forgive.. Besides, I have already made a vow to never help them if they decide to enlist my help in any way. Even if my life is at stake, I will never ever do anything for them. Severed all ties. Smile for diplomacy.

This is the world

We are such lucky children… … … …
But sometimes,我觉得我们应该趁现在有时间，能任性就豪放的任性一下，要不然时机过了想再任性都不行了。
Isn't that just true?

There

When I finally get to this page, i have nothing to say….
Was just having a thought a moment ago….

Actually, I am very optimistic. Always smiling in front of everyone and always thinking about how others feel first. Always at my expense. Goodness, i don't know how to spell expense.. or expanse… or.. oh whatever. Anyway, what I am saying is, I just had a thought just now about how I was comforting (happened in the day) my classmate about how good he is in this subject, then I thought about myself… how about me? always making people feel better, but I am no better. They are probably better than me but here I am consoling people when I should be thinking about myself. Like I don't face the same problem…

But no matter, that is just me. Sometimes I really don't know what I am doing. Anyway, 富贵也是死，贫苦也是死。。。到头来都是死 what is the use then? I know people will say since we die anyway, might as well make full use of this 短短的几十年，让生活丰富美满，多姿多彩。。。I don't know… not that I don't want that either..

Anyway, I was day dreaming about how I'd die…. since we are all destined to die. Anyway, I was just imagining all sorts of dying methods, and then I asked myself: Am I afraid of death?

Come to think of it, I don't want to die yet, but I really want to know how it is like dying. So is imagining different ways of dying a form of showing that I am not afraid of death? Really, it is always until that instant then one knows what one truly feels. I ever once felt that I am not afraid of dying. I also thought before that it'd be really scary to die… timing of these thoughts are rather close together actually.
Besides, saying that I'm not afraid of death doesn't mean anything. It doesn't prove that I am brave. It doesn't prove that I "conqured death". It probably only just shows how cranky I am…
I'm not saying I attained nirvana or I have seen through the facade of life…… just wondering if any other sane person ever thought of things like this…

Then again, may be I am nuts.