There

When I finally get to this page, i have nothing to say….
Was just having a thought a moment ago….

Actually, I am very optimistic. Always smiling in front of everyone and always thinking about how others feel first. Always at my expense. Goodness, i don't know how to spell expense.. or expanse… or.. oh whatever. Anyway, what I am saying is, I just had a thought just now about how I was comforting (happened in the day) my classmate about how good he is in this subject, then I thought about myself… how about me? always making people feel better, but I am no better. They are probably better than me but here I am consoling people when I should be thinking about myself. Like I don't face the same problem…

But no matter, that is just me. Sometimes I really don't know what I am doing. Anyway, 富贵也是死，贫苦也是死。。。到头来都是死 what is the use then? I know people will say since we die anyway, might as well make full use of this 短短的几十年，让生活丰富美满，多姿多彩。。。I don't know… not that I don't want that either..

Anyway, I was day dreaming about how I'd die…. since we are all destined to die. Anyway, I was just imagining all sorts of dying methods, and then I asked myself: Am I afraid of death?

Come to think of it, I don't want to die yet, but I really want to know how it is like dying. So is imagining different ways of dying a form of showing that I am not afraid of death? Really, it is always until that instant then one knows what one truly feels. I ever once felt that I am not afraid of dying. I also thought before that it'd be really scary to die… timing of these thoughts are rather close together actually.
Besides, saying that I'm not afraid of death doesn't mean anything. It doesn't prove that I am brave. It doesn't prove that I "conqured death". It probably only just shows how cranky I am…
I'm not saying I attained nirvana or I have seen through the facade of life…… just wondering if any other sane person ever thought of things like this…

Then again, may be I am nuts.