Cast your worries away

set aside all the sad things that happened, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! hahaha finally! and i m so excited to get my ic made! Thanks ppl for wishing me a happy birthday! 

listening to soothing music (i suggest brahms symphony no 4 mvt 1 or lord of the rings: return of the king, return of the king or the grey heavens) and watching youtube vids on russell peters is amazingly calming and makes people really happy no matter what! try it, topped off with the free pocky that will appear by your side if you bought it earlier on this afternoon!

Bus at night

And he walks, slowly, bidding his time. Then he chooses his seat- beside a girl of about 15 years, probably going for some lesson.
The bus started, and drive off, towards its destination.
He place his hand across his lap, and then he starts, creeping slowly, inch by inch, towards the girl sitting next to him. And the, the outstretched hand made contact with her thigh. Oblivious, the girl continued to stare off into space, thinking of the day's events. And he decided to stretch even further, carassing on the way.
Then the girl felt a tingling sensation along her left thigh, and looked down, and saw a hand stretched out, touching her thighs. She shifted her sitting position nearer to the window, and continued staring into space.
The tingling sensation was still there. She looked down again, and realised that the hand was still there. taking a peek at the man sitting beside her, he seemed oblivous to the happenings, and was smiling lightly at some distant memories.
The girl shrugged, and put her bag on top of her lap, hoping the hand would go away, but the sensation was still there, and getting nearer to a certain destination. The man, still staring into space, did not seemed bothered at all. The girl became really really uncomfortable, and was really afraid.
Frustrated, the girl stood up and left at the nearest bus stop, choosing to walk the rest of the way.

And it had to happen to me just one day before my birthday?! @_Q#)(U_@($*UY_(HBNO@I{#%+_#*@#(*&%!(*#@&^!*(&#@^!@!!@$&*#^^#@njf(#@$(!@#^&*@*
WHAT THE FUCK

In a land far far away

Aye......

i just don't know how people can come up with such lame things to do.
It's wasting time, and effortless, considering how one party has no acquitted nor forced feelings for the other.
Agreeing to it is just because that's being nice, typical nature though.
So why the trouble?

Taking a walk in the park alone at night

okay, so i'm back... yet again, another sleepless night.

I'll now promise myself i won't cease to exist in the blog world unless I get to places without computers.

I promise myself i won't cease to exist in the blog world inless I get to places without computers.

SIGH... what it takes to make you understand that i'm on you side, and u can just pour everything out

what does it take for you to understand that things are better said as early as possible rather than being delayed.
things are certainly not the same anymore. and i rlly hope you'd come to your senses that we may still be a little pissed and disappointed, but we rlly dont mind at all. stop that fuss about hesitating already...
i have nothing else to say, unless you want the truth...

meanwhile, HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAZEL!!!

When you smile to me

lets give ourselves another LONG sigh, longer than the one b4

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

okay, now i feel better. Of course, things have been cleared, explained and understood. But i still feel as i would and i will. Then the atmosphere is still brighter now, that we all know everything, and we all are fine and okay... somewhat, in a sense. 

Nope, i dont feel sympathy for you at all, because you really dont deserve it, but i do understand. It's totally 2 different things, so sorry.

Thanks for trying so hard to be so optimistic and happy about it. You made my day (:

Alas, my time in the realm of blog has ceased, and i'm afraid, that under normal circumstances, this blog will be hibernating from the moment i press the publish post button till 16th october. 

meanwhile, happy mugging!

When two things clashes

And things went from something simple and pure, to something a little shocking, to something freaking complex, and finally to something simple, pure, shocking, freaking complex AND irritatingly frustratingly bitch.

You have no idea how to put it into words at all.
You have no idea how much I feel like breaking down if not for the fact that i'm not a crier.
You have no idea how much it hurts just to think of it... cos someone else will get hurt too, and i feel for that person just a tad too much.
You have NO BLOODY IDEA AT ALL!

I know you dont feel as bad as I do, you dont feel like tearing yourself apart, you don't feel like crying, you don't feel the weight of pain and hurt i am feeling for myself and her. I DO.

because I care. I care so much for her. i choose friendship over temporary happiness. i cant stand having another ______. I cant bear the pain yet again. I don't want to lose her as a friend anymore, after what we'd had been through.

i'm so sorry... so sorry... give me some of your pain, let me share the burden with you...

We are still together

gives a long sigh..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and things are now clear and explained and understood. Let it out if you must, let out all the pain. Of course you'll feel the pain, and hiding it is not a good solution at all. Please believe me on this... i'd have too much experience, yet doing it over and over again.

I knew the moment I told you, I'd regret it.

Not because you should not know.
but the pain i can't bring myself to inflict upon you...
I know you'll get hurt, and still act as though nothing has happened. Silly... cry, cry out for as long and as much as you want to... dont stuff everything in you tiny little porcelain heart... it's going to be more unbearable, and more untolerable... it is going to be a torture to yourself, a self suffering process.... Just cry. Let everything out.

I was never a crier. Even when things go emotionally wrong... because I have always believed that no matter what, I must always be happy, face anything positively, and hide the ugly side of me.
So every single thing that hurts me was stuffed, slowly, one by one, into my heart. And eventually, some became numbed and forgotten, some stayed on like a knife in the waist.
Gradually, it became really full, and exploding. Yet i continued stuffing, telling myself that i'm stronger than before, and i can handle. I'm a strong person.
And the heart just burst.
I didn't know... the feeling was really bad, especially in the midst of accepting and exploring a new emotion. It ruined everything. On the day i was supposed to go for my 1st CIP at renci, i sat at the void deck of some unknown block somewhere in toa payoh, i cried. Cried out all the unjust and everything that has happened to me, cried out all the unhappiness, cried out all the mixed emotions... ... ... ... for 2 whole hour, i just sat there and cried.
And I left to meet my brother for a cheering up session.

Don't care if you'll feel silly after that. I knew i would, I did feel silly, but i still cried. It really helps. And trust me just this once.

_________________________________________________________________

Today was a fun day!! After HMP, we had an indian music workshop, and voila! those ppl were the same ones i saw a few times in performances at CCs and functions!

AND the most surprising thing is that they're actually quite closely related to me in some way! hahaha
1stly, Mr Tan, (i'll address as daddy) is denise mum's brother!! aha, the world is small. So that means krsna (sita player) n govin 9dunno the spelling, but the tabla player) are denise's cousins! haha so cool! Ah haha, denise's family is a musical family!
Denise= chinese
Krsna= indian
Dexter (violin dude, cousin of krsna)= western
ahaha, so COOL (:

2ndly, daddy used to learn form mrs ee's dad (pipa i think) and they were friends since young! WHOO , double cool.

This once again proves that the world is soooo small, esp after the wei lao shi n julian's uncle thing. And that julian's friend is jinglong and er... some others, who are also wei laos shi's student, blah blah blah!

THE WORLD IS SO SMALL

When the world falls, and you're not dead, someone's protecting you

Ahhh. and MAF passed. And i didnt feel the MAF atmosphere this year.
Cause of this = being cooped up at home and refusing to go out, PLUS, sleeping most of the day away.

Anyway, tonight was qutie fun!! having celebrated my chinese birthday (yes, exactly on MAF (: hurray) with my family in a more than usual way

Usual = mooncakes and more mooncakes
More than usual= loads of mooncakes, a real cake and present (:

yupp, ah well, i'm 15 come on... aaannnd i love this year's present so far (: IPOD NANO! the cute almost squarish one!! yay! haha, aunt got it free, and decides to give me cos i'm the only one who knows how to operate new techno stuff... yea, my sis asks me too o.O

Thanks ppl for wishing me a happy chinese birthday, thou as i'd have said, i find chinese birthdays less significant than english birthdays... but still, i do cherish this birthday celebration! (cos they aint celebrating my english birthday- no time)

particularly because my exams are there... o.O sadly. okay, done dlding songs into my ipod, shall go slp (once again) le!

And, happy MAF! hoep its not too late

I now place my trust in you, safe guard it

Ahhhh... staying up till 11.11 pm and doing maths while listening to emo songs and music works is very nostalgic... and ppl starts emoing here. Not that i am going to emo... i am not gg to emo cos i dont like to emo.

I mean, i dont sit and cry when i feel depressed, I just keep probing at the problems laid out in front of me. Is emoing all about sitting there and not doing anything to make the situation better? Okay, maybe to take a break, but its abit unconstructive.

and i definitely dont get overly frustrated or shut down when i get stressed... maybe i'm abit weird, but i'd start walking about not doing anything and then after 1 minute, decides to rumage the cupboards for food (: then thinking that the food'd get me fatter, i'd put all back, and go back to doing nothing. And the cycle repeats after a while o.o haha thats me (:

okay, IL DIVO is definitely superb. so is jj and classics from western to chinese.

my first signs of frankness for YOU (if u read this)- the i-m-supposed-to-confess-to-you-thing-about-someone
- that feeling's been there since i dont know... forever?!
- its just the way things are being handled... i dont like the style and the thinking.
- and eventually the source of all things done (brain? haha) cos it affects everything.
- and maybe sometimes the way sentences are delivered.
-and finally the overall feeling i get, from speech to actions to everything.
SO its definitely NEGATIVE from the start. sorry, no offence. not that i want u to feel hurt.

when time comes, I'll tell you everything

I shall make my stand clear.

--> If you are expecting to see an overly long post concerning MAF, don't be too disappointed, because if you stare intently enough at your screen, it will appear. Yea just like that *snaps*, in a few thousand years.

-->Nope, I am not emo. Okay I was, because I was under some influences and was under going a total 180 degree change emotionally and mentally beacuse of somethings and people. Nut not now, and my previous post was not meant to be emo-.-... its just nostalgic, especially when you're blogging in the middle of the morning.

-->Yes I am a very sad girl who is sad and deprived of sleep because of many things. You can ask me why, but i'm not saying here *censored*

-->If you're planning to invite me over for a meal, please make sure you have enough food. You'd be surprise at how much I eat. Not that i can help it *coughs becauseofsomepeople coughs*

-->I'm willing to be your "ear" if you need*.
* Applies to only people I know

-->If there's an emergency or a sudden urgent thing u need to contact me about, i'll be available from 6am - 2am (weekdays) and 11am - 2am (weekends). Of course, including the time I need to attend lessons.