There

When I finally get to this page, i have nothing to say….
Was just having a thought a moment ago….

Actually, I am very optimistic. Always smiling in front of everyone and always thinking about how others feel first. Always at my expense. Goodness, i don't know how to spell expense.. or expanse… or.. oh whatever. Anyway, what I am saying is, I just had a thought just now about how I was comforting (happened in the day) my classmate about how good he is in this subject, then I thought about myself… how about me? always making people feel better, but I am no better. They are probably better than me but here I am consoling people when I should be thinking about myself. Like I don't face the same problem…

But no matter, that is just me. Sometimes I really don't know what I am doing. Anyway, 富贵也是死，贫苦也是死。。。到头来都是死 what is the use then? I know people will say since we die anyway, might as well make full use of this 短短的几十年，让生活丰富美满，多姿多彩。。。I don't know… not that I don't want that either..

Anyway, I was day dreaming about how I'd die…. since we are all destined to die. Anyway, I was just imagining all sorts of dying methods, and then I asked myself: Am I afraid of death?

Come to think of it, I don't want to die yet, but I really want to know how it is like dying. So is imagining different ways of dying a form of showing that I am not afraid of death? Really, it is always until that instant then one knows what one truly feels. I ever once felt that I am not afraid of dying. I also thought before that it'd be really scary to die… timing of these thoughts are rather close together actually.
Besides, saying that I'm not afraid of death doesn't mean anything. It doesn't prove that I am brave. It doesn't prove that I "conqured death". It probably only just shows how cranky I am…
I'm not saying I attained nirvana or I have seen through the facade of life…… just wondering if any other sane person ever thought of things like this…

Then again, may be I am nuts.

。。。。。。

我知道持续把伤心事憋在心里不说是会闹出心理病的。。。但是我人身中就是那么多的不能说，我又岂能大声呐喊呢？
有的事情愈是令人苦恼，另人难以接受， 愈是不能说出来。 尤其是自己根本不应该知道的事，却在毫无心里准备的情况下得知，令我既失望又伤心，就好像被刀刺了一下。我真是井退两难。。。真不知道该如何面对他，也不知道自己要装不知道到什么时候。此刻的我已经对他测低的失望。我最增的人格竟然会是他从小就养成的怪癖。。。。。。。。。我该怎么办。。。该怎么办。。。

我恨死你们，巴不得永远都不再接进你们，你们一个个都不是好东西！走！别再干涉我的生活，别让我再为你们这群野兽烦恼。

Isn't this what I've always been waiting for? The hard truth that is, predictably, always the hardest to digest? And I thought I did make enough mental preparation to accept whatever that comes…… if it were the normal stuff, I'd swallow it down, but THIS is just unforgivable. This is too much for me to bear. Of all things to be faulted for, it has to be this. The one and only thing that will make me mad when I think about. The one and only thing I can NEVER forgive. Why…… why the twist of fate? Why the cruelty of life?

There you go.
You wanted the truth, Wendy.
You wanted to find out.
Now you've got it.

我宁愿永远被蒙在鼓里。

我沉默不代表我允許你為所欲為。我沒要求不代表我对你滿意。我原諒不代表我給你特許証繼續無限放肆。我聆聽不代表我相信你。我真誠,不代表我會甘心做奴隸。我大方,不代表便宜應份贈予你。我不索取,因為我想讓你人格有挽回的餘地。我不拆穿只因你不值得我動氣。我疏遠因為我要保護自己。

I really like this quote.
Then doesn't it mean, that when I am not helping, I am hoping you will push your own borders and become better; when I do not respond, I might be hoping you can find out what went wrong and correct it; when I am sad but still smile, i actually really want something changed.

Anyway, san miao TTM! <3<3

Ohh

I only just realised my previous few posts are so depressing to read…. speaking of the irony of my blog address -.-

Anyway, I recently got a motivational quote from a 高人, and is really 一句话叫醒梦中人. I was finally complaining- hm… hinting in a light way, rather- about some of my worries to the 高人, and the 高人 said, "Don't be so petty!"
AND THEN a realization hit me.
Actually, if I have it, chances will always come won't they? Besides, from all the things that I've been through and watched, I have come up with a learning point in living. Well, take this advice too, even if you're not facing any depressing matters.

要成功就一定要会忍。只有学会忍耐，才可以让自己更加坚强；只有学会忍耐，才可以战胜折磨； 只有学会忍耐， 才可以成大业；只有学会忍耐，才可以为自己而活出精彩。学会忍耐是意见多么了不得的事呀！

Isn't that just so true? Thinking on the positive side, at least I'm not the one who's going to cause the major screw up or embarrassment of the whole group. (:
Cheers for a brighter day ahead!

Mild depression

I seriously think I got it. So I did not get into exco because of politics. Ok, I took it in. So I tried to do sl for the first time n failed, ok I took it in n let the group disseminate. So I tried to do it with another group, but as of now, to no avail and there is a high chance it will not work out. Ok, I took it in again and is hoping for the best.

I took it in and let it go, pretending all its fine, smiling as always. but who cares anyway! No one cares because it is not important at all. You all got into exco, if not have h3 or in fac comm... Doing sl is just an extra thing. No sl = no harm. You are all in exco. but I am not. Because of politics. This is not something anyone can get over with for a long time. You all have no stinking idea how hurt these all made me. Plus I have to take all these in and feel sad myself. Because there is nothing I can do. I am just a minute nothingness living among you greater beings. No matter how much u try to comfort me, there us nothing u can do, and I wont feel any better either. Can comforting me make me go into exco? Let my sl approve? Get me my hc dip? NO, NO and NO!

And now all I want is to conduct. I already have nothing. Nothing to prove my worth in this prestegious school. I really want to do it.... Why must you take what is left of what I can actually do away from me? I know I cant complain cos it is your rlturn afterall, but this really mean alot to me. Definitely much more than it means to u. You are doing it out of fun and interest, but I am doing it for life. For my life. Tell me you are better than me at picking things up, tell me you are better at grasping the feeling, tell me you are bettee than me. TELL ME! But no, u cant, because you are not... The only thing you are better in me is in luck.

Yet again

And just when I thought I had too much to think and worry about, this has to come. But what can I do? It is only fair that she does it just because we take turns and its her turn. But ppl know that I am better, and do think that I can do a better job too.

Of course I am not ok.... Who will be ok, to see someone whose skills is not as good as u doing something that requires the best to lead? I can only cry in silence and take it in... Let me suffer in silence myself

-

I really don't know how to tell you what problems I have.

Would you really want to know that my problem comes from your problem? Would you really want to know that I know? You think u're the only one with depression….. when you have depression, i do too. When you cry, i cry. Sigh… we are all the same, always putting up a tough front in front of others. Always the smile, always the craziness…. but deep inside, we're both suffering much more than many, and much more than anyone else knows….. and even much more than how much we think.

When you cry, i cry. When you don't cry, i cry…… Telling you only makes you suffer and hurt more. It would only increase your depression level………… So why tell you when i can just keep it to myself and take all the burden? I am still strong, i am not cracking yet… I can still go on for a while… trust me, i really know what i am doing.