When you smile to me

lets give ourselves another LONG sigh, longer than the one b4

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

okay, now i feel better. Of course, things have been cleared, explained and understood. But i still feel as i would and i will. Then the atmosphere is still brighter now, that we all know everything, and we all are fine and okay... somewhat, in a sense. 

Nope, i dont feel sympathy for you at all, because you really dont deserve it, but i do understand. It's totally 2 different things, so sorry.

Thanks for trying so hard to be so optimistic and happy about it. You made my day (:

Alas, my time in the realm of blog has ceased, and i'm afraid, that under normal circumstances, this blog will be hibernating from the moment i press the publish post button till 16th october. 

meanwhile, happy mugging!

When two things clashes

And things went from something simple and pure, to something a little shocking, to something freaking complex, and finally to something simple, pure, shocking, freaking complex AND irritatingly frustratingly bitch.

You have no idea how to put it into words at all.
You have no idea how much I feel like breaking down if not for the fact that i'm not a crier.
You have no idea how much it hurts just to think of it... cos someone else will get hurt too, and i feel for that person just a tad too much.
You have NO BLOODY IDEA AT ALL!

I know you dont feel as bad as I do, you dont feel like tearing yourself apart, you don't feel like crying, you don't feel the weight of pain and hurt i am feeling for myself and her. I DO.

because I care. I care so much for her. i choose friendship over temporary happiness. i cant stand having another ______. I cant bear the pain yet again. I don't want to lose her as a friend anymore, after what we'd had been through.

i'm so sorry... so sorry... give me some of your pain, let me share the burden with you...

We are still together

gives a long sigh..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and things are now clear and explained and understood. Let it out if you must, let out all the pain. Of course you'll feel the pain, and hiding it is not a good solution at all. Please believe me on this... i'd have too much experience, yet doing it over and over again.

I knew the moment I told you, I'd regret it.

Not because you should not know.
but the pain i can't bring myself to inflict upon you...
I know you'll get hurt, and still act as though nothing has happened. Silly... cry, cry out for as long and as much as you want to... dont stuff everything in you tiny little porcelain heart... it's going to be more unbearable, and more untolerable... it is going to be a torture to yourself, a self suffering process.... Just cry. Let everything out.

I was never a crier. Even when things go emotionally wrong... because I have always believed that no matter what, I must always be happy, face anything positively, and hide the ugly side of me.
So every single thing that hurts me was stuffed, slowly, one by one, into my heart. And eventually, some became numbed and forgotten, some stayed on like a knife in the waist.
Gradually, it became really full, and exploding. Yet i continued stuffing, telling myself that i'm stronger than before, and i can handle. I'm a strong person.
And the heart just burst.
I didn't know... the feeling was really bad, especially in the midst of accepting and exploring a new emotion. It ruined everything. On the day i was supposed to go for my 1st CIP at renci, i sat at the void deck of some unknown block somewhere in toa payoh, i cried. Cried out all the unjust and everything that has happened to me, cried out all the unhappiness, cried out all the mixed emotions... ... ... ... for 2 whole hour, i just sat there and cried.
And I left to meet my brother for a cheering up session.

Don't care if you'll feel silly after that. I knew i would, I did feel silly, but i still cried. It really helps. And trust me just this once.

_________________________________________________________________

Today was a fun day!! After HMP, we had an indian music workshop, and voila! those ppl were the same ones i saw a few times in performances at CCs and functions!

AND the most surprising thing is that they're actually quite closely related to me in some way! hahaha
1stly, Mr Tan, (i'll address as daddy) is denise mum's brother!! aha, the world is small. So that means krsna (sita player) n govin 9dunno the spelling, but the tabla player) are denise's cousins! haha so cool! Ah haha, denise's family is a musical family!
Denise= chinese
Krsna= indian
Dexter (violin dude, cousin of krsna)= western
ahaha, so COOL (:

2ndly, daddy used to learn form mrs ee's dad (pipa i think) and they were friends since young! WHOO , double cool.

This once again proves that the world is soooo small, esp after the wei lao shi n julian's uncle thing. And that julian's friend is jinglong and er... some others, who are also wei laos shi's student, blah blah blah!

THE WORLD IS SO SMALL

When the world falls, and you're not dead, someone's protecting you

Ahhh. and MAF passed. And i didnt feel the MAF atmosphere this year.
Cause of this = being cooped up at home and refusing to go out, PLUS, sleeping most of the day away.

Anyway, tonight was qutie fun!! having celebrated my chinese birthday (yes, exactly on MAF (: hurray) with my family in a more than usual way

Usual = mooncakes and more mooncakes
More than usual= loads of mooncakes, a real cake and present (:

yupp, ah well, i'm 15 come on... aaannnd i love this year's present so far (: IPOD NANO! the cute almost squarish one!! yay! haha, aunt got it free, and decides to give me cos i'm the only one who knows how to operate new techno stuff... yea, my sis asks me too o.O

Thanks ppl for wishing me a happy chinese birthday, thou as i'd have said, i find chinese birthdays less significant than english birthdays... but still, i do cherish this birthday celebration! (cos they aint celebrating my english birthday- no time)

particularly because my exams are there... o.O sadly. okay, done dlding songs into my ipod, shall go slp (once again) le!

And, happy MAF! hoep its not too late

I now place my trust in you, safe guard it

Ahhhh... staying up till 11.11 pm and doing maths while listening to emo songs and music works is very nostalgic... and ppl starts emoing here. Not that i am going to emo... i am not gg to emo cos i dont like to emo.

I mean, i dont sit and cry when i feel depressed, I just keep probing at the problems laid out in front of me. Is emoing all about sitting there and not doing anything to make the situation better? Okay, maybe to take a break, but its abit unconstructive.

and i definitely dont get overly frustrated or shut down when i get stressed... maybe i'm abit weird, but i'd start walking about not doing anything and then after 1 minute, decides to rumage the cupboards for food (: then thinking that the food'd get me fatter, i'd put all back, and go back to doing nothing. And the cycle repeats after a while o.o haha thats me (:

okay, IL DIVO is definitely superb. so is jj and classics from western to chinese.

my first signs of frankness for YOU (if u read this)- the i-m-supposed-to-confess-to-you-thing-about-someone
- that feeling's been there since i dont know... forever?!
- its just the way things are being handled... i dont like the style and the thinking.
- and eventually the source of all things done (brain? haha) cos it affects everything.
- and maybe sometimes the way sentences are delivered.
-and finally the overall feeling i get, from speech to actions to everything.
SO its definitely NEGATIVE from the start. sorry, no offence. not that i want u to feel hurt.

when time comes, I'll tell you everything

I shall make my stand clear.

--> If you are expecting to see an overly long post concerning MAF, don't be too disappointed, because if you stare intently enough at your screen, it will appear. Yea just like that *snaps*, in a few thousand years.

-->Nope, I am not emo. Okay I was, because I was under some influences and was under going a total 180 degree change emotionally and mentally beacuse of somethings and people. Nut not now, and my previous post was not meant to be emo-.-... its just nostalgic, especially when you're blogging in the middle of the morning.

-->Yes I am a very sad girl who is sad and deprived of sleep because of many things. You can ask me why, but i'm not saying here *censored*

-->If you're planning to invite me over for a meal, please make sure you have enough food. You'd be surprise at how much I eat. Not that i can help it *coughs becauseofsomepeople coughs*

-->I'm willing to be your "ear" if you need*.
* Applies to only people I know

-->If there's an emergency or a sudden urgent thing u need to contact me about, i'll be available from 6am - 2am (weekdays) and 11am - 2am (weekends). Of course, including the time I need to attend lessons.

Are we on the same line?

Things are so different now...

give us three years of segregation, and this is what u get. a gift from london, and a gift hand made. Good job, we really work that hard to stay as the best friends ever, and i love it. But give us one more year...

will my heart still stick to you? I do think so, but as more friends come in, i find myself getting attracted to those people... even if we do make an effort to go out together.
I feel fondness for you, but its the communication thing that's getting in the way. We interact too little... putting myself further and further away from you
our connection will still be intact, strong as ever.

I'm sorry to say that my other party of friends are closer to me, maybe because they were around to help me when i most needed some support? And the times we spent were simply amazing times. Up till now, the outings with them count for at least 1/4 of the top 10 best times in my life SO FAR...

so that explains right?
That i'll choose them over you if there's a clash activities
That i'll be choose to go out with them even if you asked first
That i'll be willing to sacrifice myself for them more than you, which is already loads

And the list may continue, but writing them out just makes me feel like a total jerk.
And its not good for our relationship too...
Even so, i'll still stay by your side when u need me. You know i'll give in to what u want everytime. You know that you're still the best buddy i've ever had, and still is. You know that i'll never grow tired of you.

Once upon a time

there come a time when u have so many things you want to blog about, yet not having the time and courage to do so. Yet when you've finally got some time to blog, you dont feel like blogging anymore, cos you dont know how to write or start.

and in such instances, you're always busy chatting to someone on msn or phone... and things get livelier, so you even more dont want to blog about emo and sad stuff... thats always the trick isnt it? 

sigh, i tend to become rlly reflective and emo when i'm alone outside during night time. wonder y... and then i'd think of one person or thing to find solace and peace, so that i dont start tearing.

lalala, i'm gg to ningbo, shanghai, suzhou... with Mrs Ee!! ahahahaha, don't know how to react

Hush baby, mummy's here

When you were 5, mummy brought you out for an outing to the zoo. You see an ice cream vendor, and you pointed at it, facing your mummy : "mummy, i want!" 

but mummy says "no". 

you cry.

mummy softens up, and got you your favourite ice-cream. cookies and cream

and you smiled radiantly. 

This is happiness.

When you were 8, you went out shopping with your mum on a typical saturday, to paragon, OG, takashimaya... you walked past toys r us, and u see a big monopoly set. You stared at mummy with that big teary eyes, pointing at that, saying "mummy! i want!"

mummy looked at the price, turned around with a concentrated look, and said "no, wait till there's discount."

you started begging, tears almost coming out, "please mama!"

mummy looked at it again, turned around and sighed. 15 minutes later, you skipped out of toys r us, with mummy behind u carrying a big plastic bag.

This is happiness.

When you turned 12, your friend called you and invited you to a birthday party. You took a breathe and asked mummy if u could go.

mummy drank a cup of water, looked at the calendar and said, " but its 2 months to PSLE. You should be studying now."

you started whining, " MMMMmmmm, mummy, please? i'll study after that! Please? please? please?"

mummy looked at you," only if you really promise. If you don't study when u come back, there will be no more parties."

you agreed hastily, " yes, i will! i promise!"

And you went for the party and had loads of fun.

This is happiness.

And now you turn 15, and you went for an outing with your friends. You asked your mum if you could stay out for dinner, your mum looked at you and said yes. You smiled, and continued talking on the phone. The day came, and soon, you finished watching the movie. You settled down with your bunch of friends and was about to eat your dinner, when your mum called and shouted at you ," COME HOME NOW. Didn't i ask you to come home at 8?!"

you were dumb-founded, "er, no."

she snapped back, " come home now!"

and sadly, you went, feeling all sad, pissed and everything but happy.

Its a small world after all

LALALA a nice day for a nice person (:

no, not talking abt the weather, which obviously spoilt my mood. And a lady with such fat and bulky ass ( the largest i'd ever saw) fell when the bus jerked, and sat straight down HARD on my lap! WTFFFFFFFFF and turning around to apologize, her GINORMOUS bag turned and slapped me right in the face. 

@P#%U(*+)IHE$N@Lk#et(g(i@$hket

i think my bone's cracked open

happy early national day!