There again

maybe i really am not good enough i guess…

always like that… thinking i'd be able to, but obviously i wish too much.

Goodness knows what i'm doing with my life.

TO SJ

Hello! didn't think you'd come see my blog!

Anyway, we'll surely go drink drink ˆˆ one day :D And i'm okay now.. anyway, some things are already set in stone and we can't do anything about them already, can we?

So all I can do is look forward and focus on those things not set in stone yet and make the most out of it. Ganbarimashou! hahaha

JYJY for the next few weeks!

OOOHHH

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMURA TAKUYA~<3 <3 <3

Yes, it's 1.09 am in the morning and I am still studying chem… or not. Anyway, to kimura-san, please stay happy and bring smiles to all your fans and may your family be happy always.

A little gift from me

There you go. Just a few of my favourite pictures. Anyway, time for me to sleep before I fall sick. Nights.

Formal introductions

It all started with an advertisment.

Yes, Gatsby. Well the first time i saw the ad, I was like, 'what a retarded commercial.' Then I saw his hot bod and his to die for face. Well, I can't say that I wasn't awed for a while, but back then, I was really not into Japanese culture and pop media. And so plus that weird gatsby ad, I didn't really give him another look. I think I almost didn't like him then.

Then it was Howl's Moving Castle. Of course, as anyone can see from my previous posts, I am so in love with this movie by Miyazaki, esp Howl. He is no doubt the most charismatic male lead ever drawn by Miyazaki. And of course, the most perfect character must be voiced by the most perfect man ever in Japan of course. Not that he is like entirely perfect. He is a human and surely make mistakes too, but the fact that he helped japan's economy to grow by injecting an additional 152 billion yen in one year into the GDP (like crazy trends n such) just only proves that he is THE man.

So of course, curious about the man who voiced my favourite anime character, I looked up on him and the first thing i did was to smack myself on the head. Can't believe I actually missed how many years by ignoring him the first time i saw him. Then after watching some of his shows, I come to a conclusion that he is the best actor (asia of course) that I've ever seen. Really. Kudos to him.

And yes, that is him last year when he was 38. Seems so timeless right...

Kimura Takuya FTW.

So near already

Yea, it's coming. I smell it. But anyway, just to introduce another marvelous person I'd get to know a little in this week... ... ... Takuya Kimura!

Isn't he just hot any nice in every angle? :D <3<3<3 And the best part is that he is a damn good actor! Though he is a little old already, and it's not that I only just knew his existence- i mean like who doesn't know the Gatsby ad guy right... BUT he is probably the best actor I have ever seen in asia!

Anyway, since i should be concentrating on other things, i shall end off now. Kimutaku FTW!!

AWWW

HEHEHE i'm finally of age :D And now, since i'm really bored and i don't feel like doing work yet, i shall now try to remember how I celebrated all my birthday... or at least those that I can remember... ... ...

SO obviously my memory only started when I was like 3? That was the first birthday I ever celebrated in school and my mum made sure everyone knows it. On that very day, she just appeared at my kindergarten with a big 1 kg cake and many little presents to share around with the class! Of course, and then every one else wanted the same, SO we all get to eat cakes along the year ever so often :D

I remember when I was 7, new school new environment and all, my mum still brought a big 1 kg cake to school and of course, small door gifts kinda thing, but i was like the only one who did that and really, i was so proud of it. Then after 8 years old, it kinda stopped since i was getting older and my friends are starting to have parties at home on their birthdays.

Let us zoom forward then, to when I was 13, and on my birthday, my bestest friend ever (and still is˜) together with another friend bought me a ginormous strawberry slipper (yea one side) soft toy! and made me wear that on my head walking around class... XD

Fast forwarding again, it was in october, i think it was 3 years back, and we were celebrating one of my 10 brother's birthday... I was the organizer and the gang was supposed to be headed for esplanade to watch stomp (Yea, i helped them get the tickets but i couldn't go cos of exams), SO we went for dinner tgt first. SO we went in to the restaurant and ate and got ready the cake, AND THEN! hahahahaha there were TWO cakes! I was so shocked! Like wasn't I the organizer of this surprise birthday? hahahahaha yea, my 4th brother decided to celebrate my birthday too XD how sweet :D That was really funny cos my 7th brother thought we were celebrating my birthday AND I thought we were celebrating HIS birthday :O So we were both shocked :O Awwww :D love them to bits.

Well, two years back, my birthday fell on the first day of our exams, so yea, nothing much, but in december, I had a performance and after that, all my friends surprised me with like cakes and presents. There was this present made by my other bestest friend, a book rather, of peoples messages and whatnots, and i realised she made it before school holidays started! AWWWW But anyway, it was so sweet cos i was one of the organizer for that performance too (like in charge of programme and food for the little children performing + performing myself too- a fully yq concert) and i was soo tired already, having to run here and there in my black dress and heels etc etc.. then they surprised me like that :D

HM.. can't really remember what happened last year.... i think it was exams again, but my class celebrated my birthday in october along with the other september and october babies! (like first time since after primary school since it's always exams by then) Nothing much, but of course, cass treated me to an outing just like i did for hers :D

This year, was rather funny cos on my birthday, my group of friends wanted to bring me to this restaurant in Arab St that supposedly has really good pasta, but when we reached there, it was closed. So we turned around and decided to just eat anywhere when we spotted an egyptian restaurant having buffet :D SO we decided to go there, and what a surprise! They had good stuff :O Of course, this time, my class celebrated with me, and sang a birthday song so loud the entire wing joined in and sang along.. how embarrassing, but ah wells :P Then two days later, cass treated me to an outing of movies, just like I did for hers, once again, AND then she gave me a surprise by inviting the whole bunch of friends to surprise me after the movie ended. OF course, it didn't work out as planned as many couldn't make it and the exit wasn't at where we'd thought it would be ;D hahahahaha but still, i was shocked cos i really didn't know that part coming along :O

So far so good, but i highly doubt it'd be the same from next year on, seeing that those who are flying will be gone by my birthday and those who are starting school will be too busy too. AH wells, happy birthday to me!

Love is in the air

I officially pronounce my love for Japanese anime characters. Seriously, they are like the best looking guys every in the whole world.

Kudos to Hayao Miyazaki for creating a few wonderful characters. Recently i've been rewatching Miyazaki's films, namely Princess Mononoke, Howl's Moving Castle and Spirited Away. AND the best thing is that they have all revived my love for Ashitaka, Howl and Haku. <3<3<3 Let me now in brief detail describe which parts in the shows are the best.

Of course with the guys around :D

Princess Mononoke:

I. AM. SO. IN. AWE. PERIOD. Really, the part where Ashitaka got shot but he still continued to carry Mononoke to the safety of her wolf mummy… But the sweetest part is when he was just lying there, hurt and unconscious on a small plot of land waiting for the deer god to heal and revive him. He was so cute there! Like lying around, just resting… gagagaga

Howl's Moving Castle:

There is nothing much I can say. I practically love every single moment Howl was around. No wait. I LOVE THE WHOLE MOVIE! HOWL…. HOWL!!! *howls* HOWL!!! *screams* haha okay… Yup, I remember the very first time i watched this film, I fell in love with him immediately cos he really is sooo cute! Had like this major crush on him since then. Never stopped liking him.

But if there really is a need for a favourite part, then I guess it's the last scene where he wears pink with white pants standing beside Sophie who was wearing a very pretty yellow dress at the starboard of their flying castle, KISSING EACH OTHER (: SOOO cute, and that charisma radiating out from him… Really… but I really love every single scene with him. It's SO hard to choose!!

Spirited Away:

Yet again, I practically love every single moment Haku (Nigihayami Kohaku Nushi aka God of the swift amber river) appeared. Liked him since the first time I watched this show. He's the cute dragon boy that helps Chihiro save her and her parents from being devoured by the spirits and gods. My favourite part was when Chihiro, riding on Haku in dragon form, remembers that Haku saved her from drowning when she was younger. She then told Haku his real name, and then he remembers it all, then his dragon form dissipated, showing his human form, and both of them fell (like free fall) and they held each others' hand, and they embrace… and they embrace.. and they embrace… and- anyway, and Chihiro starts crying, saying how grateful she is, and they embrace…… :D HAKU! such a dear!

Miyazaki is A GENIUS! Seriously, if it isn't for him, I'd never have known this three fabulous characters, and Joe Hisaishi would never have composed such beautiful music. AND YES, i officially announce too, that Hisaishi is now my most favourite composer. Below are some of his pieces that makes me cry easier than Brahms:

- Legend of Ashitaka from Princess Mononoke

- Merry go round of life from Howl's Moving Castle

- Laputa: Castle in the Sky from the same title as the piece

From spirited away,

- Dragon boy

- One Summer's Day

- Waltz of Chihiro

- Always with me

YUP. kudos to hisaishi too, for his works are just simply marvelous. Can't believe the first time i watched these films, i never took notice of the pieces!! Still, at least now I know, better than not knowing.

If only they could make mini series out of Howl's little family aka Howl, Sophie, Calcifer, Markl, Witch of the Waste and Heen, like the little things that happen every day, little arguments and such, like the tantrums of Howl or the days when Calcifer gets sick or even a date for sophie and howl… etc etc AND, of course, Haku and Chihiro… like how will they meet? In the human world or spirit world? What little things happen during their daily life? Can human and spirit be together? SOOO CUTE!! just thinking about them… but i really want haku and chihiro to be together… … … just like howl and sophie, where they live happily ever after :D

SIGH, now on to my dreams of howl and haku

HMmm

Been slacking away much lately with prelims only in the corner. Yes, I can see it coming. No wait. It is already here.

But anyway, this is a post specially for something else (:

I've been watching some shows recently and here's a post on what I really recommend!

1) Schemes of a Beauty (美人心计)- Of course, other than the fact that my dear 苗苗 is the emperor (and he was good in it too!), it tells of a very grandeur story in China's history. The characters are real AND the settings are good, of course, not to mention good acting and good scenery.

2) Glittering days (东方之珠)- This show is set in the old shanghai days… maybe a little later. The 50s and 60s when broadways and nightclubs are the soul of olden day China. The plot revolves around the lives of two singers who had to go through many obstacles… (read synopsis somewhere else online) Anyway, synopsis aside, I think Roger really pulled off his role well as a popular singer of that period, with his specially made hair (real hair! It was never a wig!) and the typical actions of singers then. Well, what can I say, he is a real comedy actor through and through. Of course there are better, but he is a very versatile and talented (not to mention cute) actor. Plus his ever so comedic actions AND his to-die-for smile………. <3

3) Reflection something misty rain… (烟雨斜阳)- There isn't really an English title to it. Anyway, the most important thing in this show is sammul's EYES. For 苗, it's really his to-die-for eyes… forever portraying a feeling, telling a story. There is no other actor that I have seen whose eyes can talk. This show is set in the old shanghai days. Like really the THAT period. The whole plot is rather gloomy, but it reflects very well the conditions of those days. Best of all is the acting of all the cast. It doesn't look as though they were acting the characters. It was as though they WERE the characters. Good plot, good acting. Of course, my sam (:

4) Chinese Paladin 3 (仙剑奇侠传3)- Well, it originates from a RPG game, what more can I say? The show itself attracted just too many audience and fans. Besides, with the star studded cast, and magnificent but complicated plot, it is a must watch. Speaking of the plot itself, everything is planned nicely. Seamless. Everything connects, unlike those of T_B whose shows always have abrupt change for the better so that the show can end.

5) Life made simple (阿旺新传)- Cast: Roger and Jessica. Needless to say, this couple's such good friends, they are virtually an unbreakable on-screen couple. Of course, partly due to this show where dear roger has to act as a simplistic guy (as his character says, "I am not stupid, just simple!"). Once again, I must praise Roger for being a superb actor. In this show, I was moved by Roger's character and his simple yet touching pure mind. Usually when I watch a show, I'll fast forward to where my idol appears just to watch him act, and read the story plot somewhere. Usually, I just want to see the actor. But in this show, Roger made me want to see his character. His character is forever thinking of others and forever doing things for others. He really moved me with everything that he (the character) did. Makes me wonder why we are all so greedy and selfish. Won't it be nice if I could be like him and live in my own bubble, free of all worries? sigh. Roger FTW

Yayness. the top five highly recommended shows to watch! Not in any order, but sorry if I sound biased my idols are in most of them. But in the first place, it is because of my idols that I watch these shows. Even so, some of these shows are really received with well reviews. Then of course, there are other shows that i'd recommend too, in brief:

- The Gentle Crackdown 秀才遇着兵- If you're bored, Moses will ensure you have a good laugh!

- D.I.E. & D.I.E. again 古灵精探& 古灵精探B- One of my favourite character, 于子郎. The cases are quite okay too, though definitely not as good as ICAC or Forensic Heroes etc.

- A bride for a ride 王老虎抢亲- SAM!!! (:

- Beyond the Realm of Conscience 宫心计- It was because of this that I started liking Moses. But the plot was quite good, definitely much better than many other T_B shows.

- Demi-gods Semi-devils 天龙八部 ( 林志颖 version)- Jimmy! his every so cute and bubbly face. But most importantly, it was a very grand production with great actors although the graphics couldn't really make it.

- Not Just a Pretty Face 美丽在望- De-stressing agent. I like the idea of this story although the plot is still quite predictable once we know what is happening. But the actors are good and again, brings joy into my life.

- The World's Finest 天下第一- Another one that makes you laugh. Mainly because of Roger. In this show, he has to fight most and at the same time think of ways to portray his witty and super comedic character well. And he did it!

- Season of Fate 五味人生- Quite a funny show again. Don't know why it didn't get the popularity it should have gotten, but it is a good show yet again with good actors.

- A pillow case of mystery 2 施公奇案 2- Like the story very much! Especially Johnson's character as the pillow god.

- The handsome siblings 绝世双交- I know there are many versions of this show, but really, the jimmy one is the one that rocked the world, not to mention light hearted and witty! Two at that. First the dads then the sons. But of course, the nicholas is good too!

Future shows (in production) that looks promising and I'll surely watch:

- 搜神记

-欢乐元帅

-东西宫略

that's it for now! Hope there'll be better shows to watch!

And hope by doing this i'll go back to studying

there it goes again

… and how am I supposed to tell her about my future plans?

Every time she's like that, i'll feel hurt too. Sigh, we all know they mean the best for us and stuff like that, but it never does works. While I don't have the naggy feeling of guilt, I still have some concern for her mental well-being.

I guess nothing can be done until this torturous 10 years have passed.

几有趣！

係，得卻是好難寫地。。。再加上用繁體字，真係難上加難！不過都幾 好玩的。單單係要寫底前過句，就已經站着大半個鐘！重有，有的字我都不知點寫，知道點話都冇麼用！

一定知道吧，我正係用廣東話打中文字！係好冇聊呱。唉，真希望我可以再去次香港！

That was really hard! Like seriously….. where are those words in mandarin pinyin!!! HEHE

Surges

Suddenly thought of all the things i failed in and this surge of feelings just came rushing by… now I can't sleep.

I know I must do well now… that everything is permanent, who won't want it to look good? Nothing can give me my PW grades back…

Sometimes, maybe crying is a good form of release after all…

Suddenly remembering the day everyone was so happy thanking god and teacher…. and I was there psycho-ing myself that it's alright… but such things… when missed by just that little decimal really create a deep crater in you heart. Every time I think of that, I'll just feel sad.

AND i don't want to feel this way… not something that makes me regret forever. So I must do well. Work really really really hard. Go. I believe I can.

Sigh… tmr's last day of exams…. bio paper… i should be sleeping well. but now I really feel like crying… maybe it'll help? Maybe then I'll be in a better mood tmr.

Woah

People actually read my blog? wow…

Anyway, to that dash-ey - - - person, friend or not, thanks for your comments, and yea I agree with you that until I can let go of my bitterness can I forgive and hopefully forget.

Thing is, I know clearly when I am likely to forgive. I can feel it. In fact I don't like this unforgiving side of me. But it's definitely not now. Not when I am still within the control of these things.

And that is precisely why I am ranting all on the blog. So that I don't feel that much pain in real life. So that I can release without hurting anyone. And no matter what, life has to move on. And there certainly are things that only one can solve by oneself. Just as i ever once heard someone say, if there is no other way to go around things, you'll have to do it yourself. Self help.

I guess its just me… there are people that I can be real to, but I can never put down the inner barrier in me. I just can't show people the worst side of me. I always…most often, rather, look happy and carefree to everyone. True, some friends know that I have been dealt with blows after blows, but they know I always take things by myself.

Which becomes what I am feeling now… come to think of it. BUT no, it's just not me to do that. They know I am hurt, but they just don't know what and how deep

SHOUT

I don't know… I really really really really want to tell someone everything! All my worries and all my disappointment and everything that is making me feel like breaking down…

But there is no one I can talk to about these… there are just things that cannot be said and it'd reflect real bad on me. There are just things that when said would spoil the whole image of what anyone has of me.

But I am in much pain. I really need some release, some way where I can tell someone who responds but does not then gain negative views about me… I think I require too much of a person. Thing is, I don't want people to see me as that.. that's why I am withholding everything. Keeping everything to myself

Then again, as I have always said, my problems are mine, and no one can help no matter what… so there is not much use telling anyone.

But all humans need some form of release… Let one come to me now!

hmmm

I know I shouldn't feel anything like sad that I am excluded or anything along this line since like in the FIRST place, I HATE that person…

Well that's because she hates me first… SO there is no reason why I want to be included in her list of official juniors even if officially, I AM her junior……

I guess it's just me isn't it? Hoping that she will acknowledge me the wild one as her junior so that I can resolve the hate? Then again why would she want to do that? Stupidness… She hates me too much to want to reconcile. In fact she's probably happier hating me for life or something… -.-

HOW i wish I can just name names here… but it'd be cyber bullying (for no one to see and she won't see in any circumstance at all) AND it'd not reflect nicely on me. Yea…

ANYWAY, today's talk was alright.. wished it was longer and more in depth though.. dang those restless juniors

Yet again

And then I find myself tearing away in front of the computer......
I really hate it. I hate it that it's all over and there is nothing I can do about it.

Hate it that there is nothing I can do to alleviate my soreness
Hate it that it is because of this that I feel my heartache all the time
Hate it that this thing ruined my life.

Then? Move on? I am. I did. But it isn't enough. Have I not complained to my friends? Have I not tried to suppress my feelings and try to let things go by since nothing can be altered? This really isn't something I can ever get over with...
Not with seeing all of the others getting what they want. It is of course reasonable for them to feel happy and celebrate.. and I know i am asking too much as a friend to ask them to not show it in front of me because they WONT be able to sympathise and I will always feel hurt and do my silent cries.

YES being in the comm is very important to me. YES I really want to be in. BUT SO? No matter how much of confessing now won't help. Even if I did say it then, it won't either. Because there is no such thing as democracy. In this world where everyone get things through being in good books and connections, that's just it. I was just unlucky to be that one person then. They hated me for that. What can I do? It isn't my fault that I because the one special person. But maybe if I had the foresight, things would be different.

I have learnt a lesson. If people want politically right answers and hypocrisy, I will give them what they want.

It's back.

I don't know how long it'll take for that feeling of disappointment and betrayal wool leave me for good. get a grp... The next comm is already out and I am still dwelling in the past. But then again, there are always things that will never be forgotten. Or forgiven at that. Maybe next year when I leave this place full of sad memories? But I guehss it is still a matter of whether I get what I want next year or not. Because if it really is because of this that I fail, I will never ever forgive.. Besides, I have already made a vow to never help them if they decide to enlist my help in any way. Even if my life is at stake, I will never ever do anything for them. Severed all ties. Smile for diplomacy.

This is the world

We are such lucky children… … … …
But sometimes,我觉得我们应该趁现在有时间，能任性就豪放的任性一下，要不然时机过了想再任性都不行了。
Isn't that just true?

There

When I finally get to this page, i have nothing to say….
Was just having a thought a moment ago….

Actually, I am very optimistic. Always smiling in front of everyone and always thinking about how others feel first. Always at my expense. Goodness, i don't know how to spell expense.. or expanse… or.. oh whatever. Anyway, what I am saying is, I just had a thought just now about how I was comforting (happened in the day) my classmate about how good he is in this subject, then I thought about myself… how about me? always making people feel better, but I am no better. They are probably better than me but here I am consoling people when I should be thinking about myself. Like I don't face the same problem…

But no matter, that is just me. Sometimes I really don't know what I am doing. Anyway, 富贵也是死，贫苦也是死。。。到头来都是死 what is the use then? I know people will say since we die anyway, might as well make full use of this 短短的几十年，让生活丰富美满，多姿多彩。。。I don't know… not that I don't want that either..

Anyway, I was day dreaming about how I'd die…. since we are all destined to die. Anyway, I was just imagining all sorts of dying methods, and then I asked myself: Am I afraid of death?

Come to think of it, I don't want to die yet, but I really want to know how it is like dying. So is imagining different ways of dying a form of showing that I am not afraid of death? Really, it is always until that instant then one knows what one truly feels. I ever once felt that I am not afraid of dying. I also thought before that it'd be really scary to die… timing of these thoughts are rather close together actually.
Besides, saying that I'm not afraid of death doesn't mean anything. It doesn't prove that I am brave. It doesn't prove that I "conqured death". It probably only just shows how cranky I am…
I'm not saying I attained nirvana or I have seen through the facade of life…… just wondering if any other sane person ever thought of things like this…

Then again, may be I am nuts.

。。。。。。

我知道持续把伤心事憋在心里不说是会闹出心理病的。。。但是我人身中就是那么多的不能说，我又岂能大声呐喊呢？
有的事情愈是令人苦恼，另人难以接受， 愈是不能说出来。 尤其是自己根本不应该知道的事，却在毫无心里准备的情况下得知，令我既失望又伤心，就好像被刀刺了一下。我真是井退两难。。。真不知道该如何面对他，也不知道自己要装不知道到什么时候。此刻的我已经对他测低的失望。我最增的人格竟然会是他从小就养成的怪癖。。。。。。。。。我该怎么办。。。该怎么办。。。

我恨死你们，巴不得永远都不再接进你们，你们一个个都不是好东西！走！别再干涉我的生活，别让我再为你们这群野兽烦恼。

Isn't this what I've always been waiting for? The hard truth that is, predictably, always the hardest to digest? And I thought I did make enough mental preparation to accept whatever that comes…… if it were the normal stuff, I'd swallow it down, but THIS is just unforgivable. This is too much for me to bear. Of all things to be faulted for, it has to be this. The one and only thing that will make me mad when I think about. The one and only thing I can NEVER forgive. Why…… why the twist of fate? Why the cruelty of life?

There you go.
You wanted the truth, Wendy.
You wanted to find out.
Now you've got it.

我宁愿永远被蒙在鼓里。

我沉默不代表我允許你為所欲為。我沒要求不代表我对你滿意。我原諒不代表我給你特許証繼續無限放肆。我聆聽不代表我相信你。我真誠,不代表我會甘心做奴隸。我大方,不代表便宜應份贈予你。我不索取,因為我想讓你人格有挽回的餘地。我不拆穿只因你不值得我動氣。我疏遠因為我要保護自己。

I really like this quote.
Then doesn't it mean, that when I am not helping, I am hoping you will push your own borders and become better; when I do not respond, I might be hoping you can find out what went wrong and correct it; when I am sad but still smile, i actually really want something changed.

Anyway, san miao TTM! <3<3

Ohh

I only just realised my previous few posts are so depressing to read…. speaking of the irony of my blog address -.-

Anyway, I recently got a motivational quote from a 高人, and is really 一句话叫醒梦中人. I was finally complaining- hm… hinting in a light way, rather- about some of my worries to the 高人, and the 高人 said, "Don't be so petty!"
AND THEN a realization hit me.
Actually, if I have it, chances will always come won't they? Besides, from all the things that I've been through and watched, I have come up with a learning point in living. Well, take this advice too, even if you're not facing any depressing matters.

要成功就一定要会忍。只有学会忍耐，才可以让自己更加坚强；只有学会忍耐，才可以战胜折磨； 只有学会忍耐， 才可以成大业；只有学会忍耐，才可以为自己而活出精彩。学会忍耐是意见多么了不得的事呀！

Isn't that just so true? Thinking on the positive side, at least I'm not the one who's going to cause the major screw up or embarrassment of the whole group. (:
Cheers for a brighter day ahead!

Mild depression

I seriously think I got it. So I did not get into exco because of politics. Ok, I took it in. So I tried to do sl for the first time n failed, ok I took it in n let the group disseminate. So I tried to do it with another group, but as of now, to no avail and there is a high chance it will not work out. Ok, I took it in again and is hoping for the best.

I took it in and let it go, pretending all its fine, smiling as always. but who cares anyway! No one cares because it is not important at all. You all got into exco, if not have h3 or in fac comm... Doing sl is just an extra thing. No sl = no harm. You are all in exco. but I am not. Because of politics. This is not something anyone can get over with for a long time. You all have no stinking idea how hurt these all made me. Plus I have to take all these in and feel sad myself. Because there is nothing I can do. I am just a minute nothingness living among you greater beings. No matter how much u try to comfort me, there us nothing u can do, and I wont feel any better either. Can comforting me make me go into exco? Let my sl approve? Get me my hc dip? NO, NO and NO!

And now all I want is to conduct. I already have nothing. Nothing to prove my worth in this prestegious school. I really want to do it.... Why must you take what is left of what I can actually do away from me? I know I cant complain cos it is your rlturn afterall, but this really mean alot to me. Definitely much more than it means to u. You are doing it out of fun and interest, but I am doing it for life. For my life. Tell me you are better than me at picking things up, tell me you are better at grasping the feeling, tell me you are bettee than me. TELL ME! But no, u cant, because you are not... The only thing you are better in me is in luck.

Yet again

And just when I thought I had too much to think and worry about, this has to come. But what can I do? It is only fair that she does it just because we take turns and its her turn. But ppl know that I am better, and do think that I can do a better job too.

Of course I am not ok.... Who will be ok, to see someone whose skills is not as good as u doing something that requires the best to lead? I can only cry in silence and take it in... Let me suffer in silence myself

-

I really don't know how to tell you what problems I have.

Would you really want to know that my problem comes from your problem? Would you really want to know that I know? You think u're the only one with depression….. when you have depression, i do too. When you cry, i cry. Sigh… we are all the same, always putting up a tough front in front of others. Always the smile, always the craziness…. but deep inside, we're both suffering much more than many, and much more than anyone else knows….. and even much more than how much we think.

When you cry, i cry. When you don't cry, i cry…… Telling you only makes you suffer and hurt more. It would only increase your depression level………… So why tell you when i can just keep it to myself and take all the burden? I am still strong, i am not cracking yet… I can still go on for a while… trust me, i really know what i am doing.

I am scared

It's hard with all that stress and different things to worry about... Its hard being a parent. But its hard being a daughter too. True, tgere are things that is going on in your lives that you guys try so hard to cover in front of us by acting normal and stuff, but actually u are hurting yourself even more. But do u guys know how sad we feel having to pretend that we dont know anything and that all is well, and to act like innocent unknowing little kids in accordance to your subtle hints?

I'm really sick of standing outside the door eavesdropping on u guys, only able to hear snippets of what is happening and trying to piece
everything up tgt but hoping it is not interpreted wrongly cos it might be a big thing or a small matter.

I know recently u just got a call about me in school, and that omly just added to your whole list of worries..... And the things u say to me... Do u not know that they are only exaggerating the reality? Do u think that I dont know anything u said? Do you think that I am not already trying to cram as much as I can? You have never seen me at it. How i'd rather skip cca for tuition and how I am like the only one who keep doing work during cca, right in front of the teacher too.

I am really tired of all these things... Other than homework n cca, I know about your matyer and it is really tiring me out. How am I supposed to cope with so many different sources of stress at the same time, do well in my studies? I dont blame u for I know u dont know that I know already, which adds to my stress level, but I really wish that u guys could tell me soon, cos even though I already have some sort of mental preparation, nothing can be worse than the endurance.of the road to the pure hard truth.


Sigh.. Dont know how long I can put up with this facade.

SIGHS

I Don't know….

i mean i know i am always look so strong, resilient and happy every time I am out. But i don't know how long it can last…. well, it's been like that for the past 17 years and a few months. Who knows actually how I feel each time I smile or laugh off my failure? As though it's nothing and wouldn't affect me?

It does very much. But what can anyone do? They can't change my grades, they can't get me a position…. they can only feel sad for me. Then what does that leave me with? Nothing. The same as before, just more dejection and a sense of helplessness, and complaining in my heart that live is so unfair and then trying to stop doing that because life has to go on.

This sucks big time.

I really hope I get to do what I want in the future. I really hope.. and i do hope alot

The unfairness of the world

Some people have to practice hard day and night to get to the standard we see on stage. Yet others are so talented they only need to go through the night before and they are ready to go on stage. The unfairness of the world….

But have those people ever wondered how these "talented" people came about? Even though they did have a bonus (being talented), they too had their hard times. They too fought for what they want. They too worked very hard day and night to get to the top. In fact, they work even harder than most people know. What people see is the final product that these people at the top worked so hard for because they want people to see the best.

Don't just dream and think that since there are so many people at the top already, you should just give up. As long as you are living, there is no such thing as no hope. Stop complaining and start working hard for what you want. Not everyone is born talented.

Then again, sometimes, it is only with chance that you can make it to the top. I had chances, and I took these opportunities, but there are times that chances will not come. This is life…. do what you can, and occasionally chance will come by you. It might take you far, but it might also bring you down.

Oh gosh, what am I saying….. like i am some wise old person. pfft who am I kidding.
Just that this world is a really unfair world. Not that I am working that hard… guess this is a post for myself then….

To follow and learn

I think my english is de-proving as each day passes.

Just watched a few TV dramas here and there these few days (Yes, i know it's in the middle of blocks -.-) and I suddenly had this really provoking thought.

Usually when we watch TV dramas, its either the plot is attractive, or we are just watching for the idols, or most usually, both at the same time. But how many people actually admire their idols and the plot of the story AND learn from these dramas at the same time? I know I have been giving advice to friends who wants to do better in Mandarin to watch more chinese dramas- Yes, chinese. I do watch cantonese dramas as well ( love them actually)- but things must be extracted from the dramas as well.
Such as remembering the plot (usually we all can do that) and using it for essay writing and extracting the idioms and phrases that can add marks to aural, essay and even comprehension!

For me, the most important takeaway from watching dramas is not only their usage of idioms and phrases, but also the character and personalities of the actors. Well, usually I watch dramas because of my idols, but it is the character that is the most attractive all the time. In fact, if the character wasn't attractive, I wouldn't have spotted and liked the actors. Of course we can't all be so honest/ patriotic and what not, but sometimes, it is indeed good to practice such traits. Sometimes, these personas in the dramas teach you life lessons such as living optimistically or repaying with kindness no matter what… these are really good takeaways. I do admit that I've tried for a few times to let go, forgive and forget, but I have not been able to do it. It is then that I learnt that there are things that I can forgive and forget, but there are other things that I will never forgive, at least until I forget.

Sigh, my ears are getting deaf from listening to too many dramas….

To have a vicarious experience is really a good feeling
But to feel it many times is equal to taking drugs.
It is addictive.
But people need to have some part of their minds that they can hide in in times of stress.

Back to the past

It's not that I am ungrateful, but it is the circumstances that made me be this way. When people say NY or I <3 NY and stuff, there will always be this little obstinate stone forming in my heart that will not leave. Yet, looking back at all the things that happened, how can I feel "home"when I talk about NY? Many of my first times happened there, but of course, it is during the starting years of teenage, where else can it happen? My first time stopping people from committing suicide, my first time going through a cold war, my first time being misunderstood for a whole year, my first time breaking school rules……. true, there are many memories that are created there that will never escape from my memory (at least for the next few years), and friends whom will probably be part of my life in a long time to come, but it is also where I experienced the most pain and very much excruciating at that. It is where I learnt that one can only survive as the best. The weak just fall apart.
Regardless, I was just watching a TV programme that features competition between schools. Yes, NY's there. Strangely, I felt the sense of belonging…
And why does my heart stop me from doing it?